Monkey Backpacks

Assuming we are all adults here, there is an understanding of those maturity mile-stones that everyone hits on their way to becoming an entire human being made up of all of our complexities, mistakes, and successes. I was aware that I would one day be sat in a room and endure an uncomfortable lecture on my upcoming puberty. I was aware that I would one day wear a prom dress, fall in love, lose that love, start college courses, have sex, ect. But what I wasn't told is there are all of these micro-moments of maturity that happen, sprinkled in among the bejeweled fancy milestones. These moments happen without cheesy photos of commemoration being taken, and without any sort of recognition at all.

But what about those spaces in-between? Those moments where you are in independence-limbo... am I a child, am I an adult? What do I have a say in, or what do I leave to those who raised me? I buy my groceries, but I used the money they give me. I manage my time with no help at all from my folks, and yet they are helping me pay for the roof over my head. As a 20 year old, junior in college my parents are still siphoning me money every month. 200 dollars to be exact; enough for nothing important but without it I wouldn't be able to do anything at all. My parents also still change the oil in my car, and buy me tires when I get a flat. I feel like the child everyone pities at the mall with the leash around their middle disguised like a monkey backpack.

Here I am racing toward my independence, reaching for everything that excites me; knowing full well that if I were on my own I would be completely screwed but still throwing a tantrum that I am tethered to my mother.  But then again, as a 20 year old would I really be all that helpless in the big bad world all by myself? Do I still need my monkey backpack? 

I'm living in this world that is open to all possibilities, my future is bright. I am the college student fresh to learning, with small hands and big eyes reaching for everything the world has to offer. But I am still being supported. This is an awkward moment, a stepping stone on the way to whats next...and I'm not sure how I feel in this space.  I wonder if other students my age are as conflicted. I see myself as an educated person, with ideals and opinions on early every topic in the repertoire of our media and curriculum matter (common symptom of being a know it all college student), and yet I'm relying on my "mommy" for trivial things.  To my defense, this isn't all my fault, the banks, medical community, university, and career world still sees me as a kid. In fact nearly every institution out there would view me as a "dependent". And yet that identifier is grotesque and offensive to me. 

I have no answer to this dilemma of mine, and I'm not sure there is any real problem with this to correct.  I suppose for now I will just have to continue to put on my "adult pants" every morning, with the knowledge in the back of my mind that my parents bought them for me, and choose to march on toward an independent future. On to more milestones, onto more moments of growth, and perhaps one day I can pull up pants that I bought myself and fill their pockets with money I have earned. Then march my I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T butt straight for my dreams.  I can't wait for that day, but I will have to.... because without the acceptance of my dependency on my parents today , my tomorrow will not be nearly as bright as it would be otherwise.   I suppose I will just have to humble myself, take my self worth down a notch or two and realize that that damn backpack is still a necessity for me. Although they are less cute at the age of 20.